Take turns being the Patient, choosing one of your Ailments to describe vividly to the others. The first Patient is the last to have seen a doctor.
2. The Doctors Debate!
Doctors take turns to propose at least two Cures. Each symbol on the Patient's Ailment card must be matched on at least one of the Cures. Cures with matching symbols cannot be used.
3. The Patient Decides!
From this chaotic quarrel, the Patient chooses a victor, who receives the Ailment card as a point. Place all proposed Cures in a discard pile. (Shuffle and use again if Cure deck is depleted.) Draw back up to 6 Cures.
4. The Winner is the Least Worst Practitioner!
The winner is the first Doctor to win three times.
Note
Doctors are strongly encouraged to argue with each other. Exposing charlatanry, accusing others of malpractice, and gesticulating wildly are critical elements of medical discourse.
Symbols
The printed key on Rules Card 2/2 (the icons are shown on the Ailment and Cure cards):
Bottle: Alchemical Salves and Tinctures
Ψ: Mysticism, Philosophy & Psychiatry
Crossed scalpel and scissors: Anatomical Barber-Surgery
Congratulations Surgeon-General!
The winner must be referred to as "Surgeon-General" for the rest of the day/night, whether you continue to play this game or not. The only way to change this is to play again!
Card Reference: Ailments
The Ailment cards carry a name and symbols only. Symbols are listed as: Bottle (Alchemical Salves and Tinctures), Psi (Ψ, Mysticism, Philosophy & Psychiatry), Surgery (scalpel and scissors, Anatomical Barber-Surgery).
Sin: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Criminality: Bottle, Psi
Headache: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Hair Loss: Bottle, Surgery
Hysteria: Psi, Surgery
Missing Limb: Bottle, Surgery
Possession: Bottle, Psi
Lost a Duel: Bottle, Surgery
Pistol Wound: Bottle, Surgery
Typhoid: Bottle, Psi
Leprosy: Bottle, Psi
Syphilis: Bottle, Psi
Lesions: Bottle, Psi
Vision Loss: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Severe Wind: Bottle, Surgery
Blood Ghosts: Bottle, Psi
Impotency: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Phlegmatic: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Choleric: Bottle, Psi
Faintness: Psi, Surgery
Sanguine: Bottle, Psi
Cowardice: Bottle, Psi
Insomnia: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Melancholic: Bottle, Psi
Plague: Bottle, Surgery
Black Lung: Bottle, Surgery
Gangrene: Bottle, Surgery
Consumption: Bottle, Psi
Card Reference: Cures
Each Cure card shows its name, its symbols, and the text printed on the card. Symbols are listed as in the Ailment list above.
Bloodletting (Surgery): Withdrawal of blood from a patient to prevent or cure illness and disease
Skull Drilling (Surgery): Precise hand-operated drill to relieve pressure and ghosts from the brain
Prayer (Psi): By God's mighty will, may this affliction be cured. And this ritual paid for.
Pedicle Graft (Surgery): Temporary re-routing of unaffected flesh to replace damaged bodily features
Amputation (Surgery): Removal of a limb or other body part, by means of a hot blade or sharp saw
Needles (Psi, Surgery): Insertion of sharp needles through skin and orifices, targeting bodily meridians
Rituals (Bottle, Psi): Summoning the spirits to cure the afflicted. Or at least to end their suffering
Cauterization (Surgery): Burning away pus, raw flesh and corruption with white-hot blades tempered in fire
Heliotherapy (Psi): Direct exposure to sunlight for several hours at a time, repeated for at least a month
Dung Juices (Bottle): Special aromatic concoctions of pre-mixed dung, delivered while the juices remain fresh
Electroshock Therapy (Surgery, Psi): Repeated application of high voltage to the cranium until symptoms subside
Drunkenness: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Growths: Bottle, Surgery
Projectile Diarrhoea: Bottle, Surgery
Sore Tooth: Bottle, Surgery
Secretions: Bottle, Surgery
Visions: Psi, Surgery
Aural Delusions: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Vile Odour: Bottle, Psi
Low Bile: Bottle, Surgery
Excess Bile: Bottle, Surgery
Witchcraft: Psi, Psi
Vile Sexual Desires: Psi, Surgery
Excess Blood: Bottle, Surgery
Low Blood: Bottle, Surgery
Excess Phlegm: Bottle, Surgery
Low Phlegm: Bottle, Surgery
Mistemperment: Bottle, Psi
Paroxic Spasms: Psi, Surgery
Femininity: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Organ Theft: Bottle, Surgery
Madness: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Disagreeableness: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Cannibalism: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Tomfoolery: Bottle, Surgery
Paganism: Bottle, Psi, Surgery
Anal Implosion: Bottle, Surgery
Vibration (Surgery, Psi): Strapping to a board powered by high vibration, shaking affliction outward
Prostheses (Surgery): Replacement of body parts with wooden or iron imitations
Cocaine (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): The Genuine Wonder Cure! Provides endless energy, and immediate pain relief
Children's Morphine (Bottle): Dispense liberally for best results for adults, children, and infants alike
Astral Realignment (Psi): Mildly excruciating redirection of the laylines and energy centres of the body.
Fire Therapy (Bottle, Surgery): Direct application of flame to soft tissues, exposed wounds, and impure persons
Lobotomy (Surgery, Psi): Precision un-anesthetised removal of afflicted brain tissue via nasal needle
Earth Immersion (Bottle, Psi): Burying the patient for a number of days. Survival enhanced by spiritual purity
Water Immersion (Bottle, Psi): Strapping of patient to a board, then pouring large quantities of water over their covered face
Naturopathy (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): Application of herbs, diet, exercise and massage to treat every possible malady
Extraction (Bottle, Surgery): Aggressive surgical or acidic removal of affected organs, flesh or limbs
Dead Man's Oil (Bottle, Psi): Liberal imbibing of a fresh and powerful concoction, boiled from a deceased criminal
Caffeine Enemas (Bottle, Surgery): Rectal application of high volumes of caffeinated fluid
Pelvic Massage (Surgery, Psi): Medical orgasm, provided by a specialist practitioner, to flush tension and sin from the body
Maggots (Bottle, Surgery): Highly effective application of live maggots to diseased and/or rotting tissue
Antimony Pills (Bottle, Psi): Rare compressed extracts from both the heart of deepest Africa and the mists of the mysterious Orient!
A Relaxing Visit to the Asylum (Psi): Snug white outfits, pleasant shared dormitories, and eager orderlies await you
Miracle Tonic (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): A universal salve utilising the miracle of powdered uranium. Mix with rum or apply topically.
Exorcism (Psi): Ego Dominus in cunctis ad quae eieci te hoc adjortationem meam epulis inmunda daemonia!
Opium (Bottle, Psi): Administered by hookah, either when home or while working, to harmlessly reduce pain
Male Impotency Belt (Surgery, Psi): A snug apparatus designed to restrict passion, and indulgence of carnal desires
Bile Drainage (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): Drawing of bile via large syringe from the gallbladder or liver, stored for later use
Bile Transfusion (Bottle, Surgery): A hot bile injection direct from the gallbladder of a generous & homeless donor
Drain Blood (Bottle, Surgery): Excess blood drained to alleviate both sanguineous and agitated demeanour
Quicksilver (Bottle, Surgery): A universal medicine for almost any disease, burning sickness clear with silver fire
Blood Transfusion (Bottle, Surgery): Topping up the blood with that of a generous human or animal donor
Drain Phlegm (Bottle, Surgery): Excess mucosa is drained, orally or rectally, to relieve pressure and discomfort
Cigarettes (Bottle, Psi): The all-in-one convenience of a stimulant and a relaxant
Urinalysis (Bottle, Surgery): Taste, texture, umami... All can help diagnose every ailment ever
Leeches (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): For treatment of nervous system abnormalities, dental problems, disease, infections, and microsurgery
Bone Stretching (Bottle, Surgery): Via installation of internal and external fixators and implantable lengthening nails.
Heroin (Bottle, Surgery): Likely to soothe any human or animal, and often used on small children who are restless or teething
Ars Moriendi (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): The Art of Dying: accepting your inevitable demise with composure, dignity, and chivalry
Organ Removal (Bottle, Surgery): Extraction via incision of troublesome glands and/or organs within the abdomen and/or skull
Powerful Laxatives (Bottle, Surgery): Stimulates thorough flushing of the bowel and intestine, inducing mirth and relief
Ipecac Syrup (Bottle, Surgery): Induces powerful vomiting, balancing the humours and cleansing the lungs and stomach.
Urethral Plug (Bottle, Surgery): A thin metal stick inserted into the urethra to block discharge, and to alleviate incontinence
Confession (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): Testifying to crime and repenting one's sins can cure all ailments, through the Holy Glory of God
Exploratory Surgery (Bottle, Surgery): Taking a closer look, for when you're just not sure what's happening in there. Use alcohol for anaesthetic, if available.
Flagellation (Bottle, Surgery): Purity of the soul and flesh brought through self-admonishment and laceration
Colonics (Bottle, Surgery): Intense inspection, lubrication, and irrigation of the bowel to cleanse toxins and bad humours
Scarification (Bottle, Surgery): Mechanically-assisted blood withdrawal, via a series of vacuum-sealed spinning blades
Fecal Transplant (Surgery, Bottle, Psi): Removal of faecal matter from a donor prior to insertion into the intestine of afflicted patient
Bowlful of Ale (Bottle, Psi): Ale with hen's egg, spider, and sheep excrement, drunk without the patient knowing the contents
Bathing (Bottle, Psi): If undertaken annually, aids removal of external agents which imbalance one's humours
Sweat-Bathing (Bottle, Psi): Exposure to high temperature for extended periods, curing conditions via light pickling
Perfume (Bottle, Psi): Ward off external maladies and noxious odours by exposure to a suite of essential oils
Wound Putrification (Psi, Surgery): Encouraging rot, to aid removal of unwanted foreign agents and organs by softening the skin
Feverfew Charms (Bottle, Psi): Leaves of the feverfew herb can be used to treat unknown maladies caused by elves and pixies
Corpse Brew (Bottle, Surgery): A mixture of the blood of fallen gladiators and mummy powder – perfect for increasing vigor
Fumigation (Bottle, Psi): Heavy smoking with sulfur and pitch, while simultaneously rubbing lotions into the thighs
Babylonian Skull Cure (Bottle, Psi): Kissing and licking a skull in bed seven times each night will deter both bad spirits and toothaches
Dried White Thost (Bottle, Surgery): Dried after deposit by a canine donor, that must gnaw a bone ere he droppeth the thost
Dewiggining (Psi, Surgery): Forced removal of a patient's wig to relieve sores and lice infestations
Roasted Bees (Bottle, Surgery): Ward off external maladies and noxious odours by exposure to a suite of essential oils (the printed text is identical to Perfume's)
Merswine Whipping (Bottle, Surgery, Psi): With hide from a sea pig, whip thy devil-afflicted patient and soon he will be well. Amen.
Torture (Psi, Surgery): Physical restraint, joined by breaking of the bones, ripping of the skin, and/or purging of the soul
Church Bell Brew (Bottle, Psi): Imbibement of salves, concoctions, tonics, elixirs, and infusions mixed within in a holy bell
