Shit Happens: 50 Shades of Shit
Shit Happens: 50 Shades of Shit Rulebook
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
1. The Goal
To be the best at ranking shitty events from least shitty to most shitty.
2. What Is in the Box
200 cards with shitty events. Each card may show a shitty event that has happened, or that COULD happen.
As you will see, some of the events on the cards are rather minor (like a dead battery) and some are more dubious (like having a heart attack during an orgasm). Each card receives a certain rating on our Disaster Scale.
3. The Disaster Scale
The Disaster Scale is the ranking system that measures from 1 to 100.
The Disaster Scale explained: the scale runs from 10 to 100 in steps of 10. Printed along it are four reference points: "Too-tight underwear" (near the low end), "Bedbugs with your bed partner", "Penis out through the anus" and "New incurable STD" (near the high end).
You may be wondering how we rated the cards? We did not. We asked a group of serious, highly qualified adults to do it for us. The group includes marriage counsellors, career counsellors, psychological counsellors and social workers, who together have 150 years of clinical experience with mental health problems. Trust them, they know what they are doing. They rated each event carefully (even the ridiculous ones), considering among other factors:
Anxiety level | Emotional trauma | Long-term psychological damage
Once this was checked, we took the average of their ratings to produce the Disaster Scale.
4. Anatomy of a Card
The cards in Shit Happens are not complicated. Each card has three parts:
- The shitty event (the card's title and text).
- The illustration.
- The rating on the Disaster Scale, printed on the card as the "Misery Index".
The example card shown in the rulebook is "Semen in Eye", with a Misery Index of 8.6.
5. Let's Start the Game
First the cards are shuffled and each player is dealt three. It does not matter who deals; you are adults, so just decide. The remaining cards form the draw pile.
Lay your cards on the table in front of you, face up, ordered by their Disaster Scale ratings. We call this row your PAIN TRAIL (Sárasaukaslóðin).
The example shows three cards on a Pain Trail: "Spill Lube Everywhere" (0.9), "Dick Cheese" (44.6) and "Prolapsed Anus" (83.9).
The person who dealt the cards goes first. When it is your turn, the player to your right draws a card from the draw pile. That player reads the SHITTY EVENT aloud, BUT DOES NOT SHOW THE DISASTER RATING.
To win the card you DO NOT NEED TO GUESS THE EXACT RATING (which would be impossible anyway). All you need to do is guess WHERE THE CARD FITS on your Pain Trail. In other words, choose the right place for the card among your own cards.
Example: say you have THESE 3 CARDS:
- "Dog Eats Underwear" (10.6)
- "Too Much Teeth" (28.6)
- "Dick Stuck in Vacuum Cleaner" (38.9)
These are laid out on the Pain Trail with the slots marked A, B, C and D between and around them.
You are trying to win this card: "Boner at a Funeral".
Hmm... this is hard. Where does the card belong on your Pain Trail?
- If you think a boner at a funeral is NOT AS HORRIFIC as a dog eating your underwear, point to space A.
- If you think it falls BETWEEN a dog eating your underwear and teeth grinding, choose B.
- If you think it is WORSE than teeth grinding but NOT AS BAD as a penis stuck in a vacuum cleaner, choose C.
- If you think it is WORSE than all three, choose D.
Drumroll.
Getting a boner at a funeral has a Disaster rating of 22.6, so the answer is:
B: BETWEEN DOG EATS UNDERWEAR AND TEETH GRINDING.
If you GUESSED CORRECTLY, you win the card. It stays on your Pain Trail, face up, and your turn is over.
If you GUESSED WRONG, the player to your left may "steal" the card by guessing where it fits on their own Pain Trail. If they fail, play continues clockwise, with each player guessing in turn, until someone guesses correctly and wins the card.
If you go all the way around the table, back to the player who first read the card, and NO PLAYER GUESSED CORRECTLY, well then... you are clearly doomed. Put the card in the discard pile.
As players win more cards, the gaps between the cards on the Pain Trail shrink and the game becomes harder.
6. Assume the Worst
When you evaluate a SHITTY EVENT, always assume the WORST but MOST PLAUSIBLE outcome in the situation. If the card says "The phone falls in the toilet", do not assume you can fish it out, dry it with rice and that it miraculously still works.
No. The phone is dead, all your data is lost, and you are uninsured. Well done.
7. How to Win
The first player to collect 10 cards with shitty events wins. Congratulations, you are the sole ruler of the Shit Heap!